I was going to write about Equus today (I loved it) but that will have to be saved for another time. Maybe tomorrow (if Charlemagne can underwrite, conversely so, I can overwrite... it's all about balance folks.) In any case, I am not writing about Equus today. Today is an unSexy day. Sorry.
I was talking to my dear friends, Killer and K&S this weekend about a certain confusion I frequently have about men. A confusion, if you will, that men do not, in turn, have about me. Now, I've written a great deal about my issues with straight guys on here. Today I write, not so much about those issues, but more about the reality check I got this weekend. Apparently, they really just want to be my friend. Like, full on, no holds bar... friendship. And boy howdy are they ever enthusiastic. Like that non-sexual friend-crush or "frush" you get when you make a new friend. Men "frush" hard on me and because I am a starving person when it comes to sexual affection, I frequently can't handle my liquor (liquor being male attention) and I develop my own crush, but like a real one... complete with those smooshed feelings I'm so very fond of. And I end up totally confused by all their enthusiasm and attention. But this weekend- I finally understood and it hurt and what's more, I hated to finally understand.
I like guys. Straight, Gay, Brother, Friend's Husband... whatever, men are fun. And apparently they love me as well. Awesome, right? Hardly. It's hardly Awesome to realize you are actually one of the guys. I'd suspected it maybe, but I always fully believed that men do not waste that much time with a chick unless deep down there was "something" going on (PS this applies to anyone, not just man/woman relationships). But Killer put it this way "When I met you, I thought Nicolle is SOOO funny. She's so much fun. I just want to spend time with her." She said "That's when I 'fell in love with Nicolle'." She said that to me and retardedly perhaps, it finally sunk in. These guys I'm always so confused about are frushing on me. I'm an asexual beast of some sort with large tits and a sharp tongue. Never has knowing dialogue from the Simpsons and loving action movies seemed so incredibly unSexy to me. Suddenly I can see it, I am love-able. They do actually care about me... and have high regard for my attention and friendship. I am just not seen the way I want to be. I am not a Sexy Female, I am the great friend (which I am), but what happens when that's all you are... When you clearly want more?
Epiphanies are normally inspiring, violent and important, but inspiring. You are shown the truth, are forced to see reality for the first time. Did I need to know and understand this concept? Yes, Most definitely. Do I hate knowing and understanding it? Abso-fucking-lutely. I always questioned why a guy would spend all their time with me. They must "Like" me, right? Yes, they did. They thought I was extraordinary, amazing, funny... which I totally am, and always will be... they just wanted me to be their friend. I feel a little ashamed that I couldn't do that for a handful of them because all I wanted to do was love them. I gave them my heart and it's not that they didn't want it... it was so much more complicated than I ever knew. So today, I feel unSexy. Today I feel heart-broken all over again for scars that are decades old. Today I fear for my future possibly for the first time, for real. I am not alone, but I am lonely today whereas normally I am not lonely, but alone. And for all the "you will find someones" I have heard (and will hear), I find that sentiment so incredibly silly... I have many someones - a herd, a pack, a coven of Nicolle Lovers who I care very real-ly for... and yet... and yet. I stand here today a single lady with many friends. Is that really so bad? Today, it is.
So this is TWILIGHT Countdown week. Romance and adventure and Edward Cullen (and Robert Pattinson) in a just a matter of 3 days time and right now, it's like I don't care. Well I care enough to post a picture, but my heart's not in it. (Ok my heart's in it a little). I suppose I just need to believe in my own RP/EC. That eventually I will figure out how to wield my Awesomeness and make it actually do the things I want it to. But right now, I am questioning all that I am... Fearful that it is too much, that I am too much me for anyone (figuratively, not literally)... That my greatest fear that it's not my weight that's kept them at bay, but actual me. Today is an unSexy day. (But tomorrow, there's always tomorrow... and there is hope in a tomorrow).
Answer to Question of the Day:
What did I ask Curt on Thursday? Eh, it's not important, I'm sure. I'm going to just say that in order to make my Sexy the most unDorky on Thursday night when I go to the mid-night showing of Twilight, I'm going to wear my "Bite Me, official member of the I Love Edward Cullen fan-club" shirt. I bought it after I read the books, before there was a movie. When there was no Bobby P, only Edward. So I feel that sums it up. One upon a time, there was only EC.
Question to Whom-ever writes tomorrow:
What's the Sexiest way to use honey in your every day?
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